One of my favorite memories...On an air-boat in the Everglades...precious memories! Yesterday, March 10, 2014, marked five years since Shane’s passing. Five years since the night that I turned off the light in that hospital room, only to flick it back on twenty minutes later and realize that in that short span of time life as I knew it at had ended. Five years..
There’s a saying I’ve heard that says ‘the days go slow…but the years go fast…’ I get that. That is so how it feels in this new existence. Some days seem to drag on endlessly…some, where your heart aches and just can’t keep up with the reality that your head continues to pound into it..those days drag on endlessly. But the years? In honesty, they seem to have flown…so fast, with so many changes, so many happenings, so much adjustment.
When Shane first passed I read that it takes five years to once again begin to feel normal after the loss of a child…to begin to breathe normally, to function normally, to live ‘normally’, so as you can imagine I have waited for this date. I have waited for this five year anniversary where I might start to recognize myself and experience some sense of normalcy once again.
Now that date has come and gone…but the sad reality is that there is no return to what was known to be normal. However, there is a more gentle acceptance of what is. So maybe that is a better description of what the five year marker means…not a return to normal…rather an acceptance of what is, and the ability to live relatively comfortably in that. So maybe…that is where I am..where we are…and that’s okay.
What has been most interesting to me is that what I thought might have become easier by now, really hasn’t. I thought that the time might have come when I’d miss Shane a little less…that I might be used to his not being here and be more content with that. But strangely, I continue to miss that young man so darn much it’s incredible. It still takes my breath away on a daily basis. I wonder what the scheduled timelines are for that to change? My guess…there are none…it’s all uncharted water.
So now, five years after the fact, these are the things I know for sure.
There’s a saying I’ve heard that says ‘the days go slow…but the years go fast…’ I get that. That is so how it feels in this new existence. Some days seem to drag on endlessly…some, where your heart aches and just can’t keep up with the reality that your head continues to pound into it..those days drag on endlessly. But the years? In honesty, they seem to have flown…so fast, with so many changes, so many happenings, so much adjustment.
When Shane first passed I read that it takes five years to once again begin to feel normal after the loss of a child…to begin to breathe normally, to function normally, to live ‘normally’, so as you can imagine I have waited for this date. I have waited for this five year anniversary where I might start to recognize myself and experience some sense of normalcy once again.
Now that date has come and gone…but the sad reality is that there is no return to what was known to be normal. However, there is a more gentle acceptance of what is. So maybe that is a better description of what the five year marker means…not a return to normal…rather an acceptance of what is, and the ability to live relatively comfortably in that. So maybe…that is where I am..where we are…and that’s okay.
What has been most interesting to me is that what I thought might have become easier by now, really hasn’t. I thought that the time might have come when I’d miss Shane a little less…that I might be used to his not being here and be more content with that. But strangely, I continue to miss that young man so darn much it’s incredible. It still takes my breath away on a daily basis. I wonder what the scheduled timelines are for that to change? My guess…there are none…it’s all uncharted water.
So now, five years after the fact, these are the things I know for sure.
- I do still continue to miss that beautiful child of mine every minute of my day. He is a part of every breath I take and every action I make, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Whatever your spiritual beliefs might be, mine tell me that he reaches out to me daily in symbolism and experiences that let me know he is out of sight, but he is never too far away.
- Shane’s force is as strong in the world today as it was when he lived here with us, and maybe even stronger. For me and others that loved him, he’s become our passion and our purpose to continue to make change in the world for all the other ‘Shanes’. His life may have ended, but his mission continues.
- With time it does become easier to let go of the mementos and keepsakes that you cling to in the early period of the loss…but as you find you’re able to release what you cling to, those that you release those treasures to value and cherish them in a way you might not have believed possible earlier on. You only keep what you give away….so pass the magic of the memories along.
- Shane gifted our lives with his existence for a reason…and every time Trem and I share the story of their friendship, his lessons, our memories….that reason becomes more concrete, more real, more important and intentional for both of us. We all have a greater purpose on this earth than we can ever even imagine. Love, joy, connection, acceptance…those are our highest reasons for being here …and the most beautiful thing for me is that in every opportunity to share that story…those are the emotions I experience…Love, joy, connection and acceptance…a state of bliss…a state of flow in sharing our story. And that tells me that in doing what we are doing in sharing that story, I am being offered an opportunity to share my highest purpose to do my part in moving the world closer to being a place of acceptance, inclusion and equality. What a gift…what an opportunity. Thank you for that Shane…love you forever…like you for always…as long as I’m living…my baby you’ll be. xoxo
The greatest photo, Shane in the grape leaves, taken by Bianca Bell for my Christmas present project they planned
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